someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
