she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
