my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
