Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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