What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
