Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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