I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
