Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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