i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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