tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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