i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
