My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
