The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
