I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
