i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
