This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
