Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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