i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
