worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
