I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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