Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
