Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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