On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
