I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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