Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
