My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
