Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
