This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
