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god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
