so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
