I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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