And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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