so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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