My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
