"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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