I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
