Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
