The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize