I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
