i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
