3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
