you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize