If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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