I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
