I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
