So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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