No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
