I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize