Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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