Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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