He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
