I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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