i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize