I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize