im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
