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omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
