if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
